


Control

by milkyprince



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Depersonalization Disorder, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, and kuroo wants him to be happy, heaLTHY RELATIONSHIPS FTW, kenma has mental issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-08-09 00:43:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7780261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milkyprince/pseuds/milkyprince
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kenma feels as though he is a puppet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Control

**Author's Note:**

> angst whoop whoop

"Hey, Kenma, you left your- Kenma?"

"Kuroo... g-go away."

"Kenma, what are you doing?" Kuroo walked over to where Kenma stood in front of a full length mirror.

"I said go away." Kenma said, not being able to tear his gaze away from the reflection of his own body.

"Not until you tell me what's going on here." Kuroo demanded, stepping closer.

"Go away!" Kenma suddenly exploded, irises thinning as he turned around and slapped Kuroo across the face. After realizing what he had done, Kenma stepped backward, bumping into his mirror and apologizing, "Oh my god, Kuroo, I'm sorry, I don't- I don't know what I... what was I...?" Kenma was rambling now, his breathing quick and shaky.

"Kenma?" Kuroo took a step forward, causing Kenma to stiffen up, "Kitten, it's okay, it's okay, calm down, I'm not going to hurt you, promise." Kuroo raised his hands up in the air, trying to ease Kenma as he stepped closer. "Kitten? Kitten look at me, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

Kenma's eyes possessed a look of terror, his breath only becoming rougher. He was on the verge of a red-level panic attack.

Kuroo enveloped Kenma in his arms, pulling the shaking boy close and holding him tight.

"L-let me go, Kuroo! What are you doing? I'm fine!" Kenma squirmed, trying to wriggle out of Kuroo's arms, but Kuroo was far too strong, and his hold on Kenma was too tight.

"Kenma, baby, I'm not going to hurt you, I promise. You're safe, you're safe here with me kitten; I won't let anyone hurt you, so just stay here with me, stay here in my arms." Kuroo stroked Kenma's two toned hair gently, reassuring him that he was okay, that he was safe. The tone of his voice was reserved for these occasions, for the times when Kenma felt as though he was suffocating in his own mind.

"K-Kuroo, I-I-" Kenma stuttered.

"Shh, baby, shh... let it out. You don't have to say anything, don't force yourself. I understand, just breathe."

Burying his face into Kuroo's chest, Kenma let out a choked sob, and grasped Kuroo's shirt tightly.

Kuroo kissed the top of Kenma's head. He sat down on Kenma's twin-sized bed, pulling the other onto his lap, "Kenma, are you okay?"

Kenma hesitated, but shook his head slowly, whispering small and quiet "no"s, followed by a murmur of "I'm not in control..."

"Kenma, you're in control. Kitten, look at me."

Slowly, Kenma lifted his head to look at Kuroo, his cat-like eyes full of tears.

"See, you just did that, you're in control; you made yourself lift your head. You have complete control, Kitten."

"I d-do?"

"No one else can control you, take deep breaths, you're in control, you're in control..."

Resting his head on Kuroo's chest, Kenma's breath began to return to normal, his small sobs coming to an end. Through it all, Kuroo softly stroked Kenma's hair, placing kisses on the top of his head and wiping away Kenma's tears from time to time.

"Are you feeling better now baby?"

"Yeah... thanks Kuroo... I'm so-"

"Don't apologize, Kenma."

"But... I cause you so much trouble..."

"You don't. You don't cause trouble. I want you to let these things out around me, and I want to help you. I care so much about you; I don't want you to go through these things all alone. Kenma, please, don't let yourself go through this alone. I love you, Kitten, you know that I'll always be here for you, right? I promise I won't leave you. You couldn't even make me leave if you tried. I don't care what happens, or what you do to me, I'll be right here beside you."

Kenma stared, wide eyed at Kuroo's every word; he didn't deserve someone so good, someone so amazing.

"I'm never going to let you go, I love you way too fucking much." Kuroo tightened his arms around Kenma protectively.

"I love you too, I don't ever want to lose you..."

"I want you to tell me everything, all your worries and insecurities, and I want to take them all away."

Kenma laughed lightly, "That's going to take a pretty long time, you know."

"I know, and I'm going to stay with you until it happens, and I'll stay with you even after that. I'll stay with you forever Kitten."

"I want... to stay with you too..."

Kuroo smiled, resting his chin on top of Kenma's head.

"I don't deserve someone as good as you, Kuroo."

"No, you deserve everything. Baby, the world has taken so much away from you, and you deserve to get it back, and we'll do it together."

"Together?"

"Yeah, together."

Kenma smiled slightly at that, finally returning Kuroo's embrace. He gripped fistfuls of the back of Kuroo's jacket, holding onto him with an everlasting fear looming over him. A fear that followed him no matter where he went. The fear of Kuroo leaving him. Despite all the fears and insecurities inside his mind, a warm feeling arose in his chest. He might not have been exactly okay, but Kenma felt pretty happy, sitting in his room with the one he loved.

"Kitten, you're so incredible. Everyone is trying to make you miserable, but you always find a way to come out unscathed."

"That's... because of you. You always help me, and make me feel safe. Thank you..." Kenma's voice was quiet, still a bit meek from his episode.

"You don't need to thank me Kenma. You're my lover, it's just what lovers do for one another. I'll be here whenever you need me, and even if you say you don't need me, I'm never going to leave you alone. You'll never be left alone ever again baby."

Kenma nuzzled into the crook of Kuroo's neck, pressing a small kiss to the warm, tanned skin. He muttered a quiet "I love you"as he breathed in Kuroo's scent. Kuroo had always smelled like home to Kenma, a mixture of musky cologne and fresh spring laundry detergent; his jacket must've been washed the night before as the detergent smell was strong.

"Hey, stand up for a second Kitten."

Confused, Kenma stood up, complying with Kuroo's request.

Kuroo slipped off his jacket - it was his Nekoma jacket - and held it out to the small kitten, "Here. For when I leave for college and can't be here all the time. You'll have this that you can wear and smell as we talk."

Taking the jacket and pulling it on, Kenma looked at Kuroo, a small smile appearing on his face.

Kuroo returned the smile, and took Kenma's hands in his. He squeezed the smaller pair of hands and then kissed each of Kenma's fingertips, making Kenma turn pink. Kuroo gave Kenma a reassuring look, "Everything is going to be okay baby."

Kenma took a deep breath before speaking, "Do you promise?"

"Yeah, I promise." Kuroo released Kenma's hands, only to wrap his arms around Kenma's small waist and pull him down. Kuroo held Kenma to his chest, the smaller boy now laying on top of Kuroo.

Kenma remembered the first time they had laid like this. It was when he was a third year in middle school, it was the first time he had reached out to anyone for help with his attacks of paranoia and depersonalization. It was nearly three in the morning when he called Kuroo, not being able to actually say anything, sobs being the only thing coming out of his mouth.

Kuroo had run to Kenma's house, staying on his phone until he was with Kenma and had him wrapped up in his arms.

That night was the night that Kenma had fallen in love with Kuroo. Or... had he been in love with him all along? After all, Kuroo was the one who would give Kenma some company when he was home alone as a child, and the one who got him to play volleyball. Alas, it didn't particularly matter when they fell in love, all that mattered was that they were in love, and that they were together.

"Kuroo?"

"Yes Kitten?"

"Sometimes... I just feel like I'm not enough for you. I always have issues, and I'm sure I'm always bothering you. You act so good to me, and I don't get why you love me... you could do so much better than me."

"Kenma, please don't think you're not enough for me. You're everything I want, I'll always love you. God, you're so full of flaws but so fucking perfect." Kuroo began to pepper Kenma's face with kisses, his forehead, eyelids, anywhere that Kuroo could possibly kiss, he did.

"I don't see why you love me, but the fact that you do makes me so incredibly happy."

They laid in silence for a few minutes, before Kuroo spoke up with a question, "Kenma, why were you staring in the mirror? I haven't seen you do anything like that during an attack before."

Kenma opened his mouth, but closed it again without saying anything.

"It's okay if you can't tell me, I know it must be hard."

Knowing that Kuroo wasn't putting pressure on him, Kenma began to speak, "I thought that maybe if I stared at myself for long enough, it would help me get control back. But, all it did was make me feel as though I didn't know myself. When my depersonalization strikes, I do things, and I speak, but I feel like all my actions are being controlled by someone else, I feel like a puppet. It's scary, and it feels like I'm in danger."

"I'm not going to say that I understand, because I don't, and I may very well never understand. But, when that happens, call me, I'll protect you from any danger you feel."

"I'll try to... Kuroo, I want to get better, I want to be able to cope with this." Kenma finally admitted,

These were the words Kuroo had been pleading to the heavens to hear, and now he'd heard them.

"Kitten, you are getting better. Two years ago you were trying to kill yourself, and now you've been clean for 8 months, and you're even going to therapy. In time, you'll be able to function even better, and you won't even consider trying to hurt yourself, You may not realize it, but you've made so much progress in only a few years."

"I guess you're right... I couldn't have gotten so far without you by my side though."

"I want to help you as much as I can. You're gonna get better."

"Yeah, I am..."

**Author's Note:**

> depersonalization is v v scary, ive had episodes for days at a time
> 
> but as ur mental state gets better you dont have as many attacks of it (in my case anyways)
> 
> if u have these problems u van get through it!!!! ilysn bbys


End file.
